Doldrums

The past two nights have my head loaded with questions, but not all answers are coming.

Friday; Dinner with Mack.

1. do you just need someone to fill your time? i hope not

2. why are you playing hockey outside, idiots?

3. where are you Emmy Lou....I need somebody and it's usually you

4. where is this party again?

5. who is amanda regoto?

6. what is she DOING?

7. holy shit she scratched him?

8. why is sam's shirt torn like that? eww

9. brettlyn and justine, why the fuck are you so wasted?

10. what are brae and eric doing again? ooooh lord

11. who the fuuuck ate my chicken nuggets

12. do you really care about me? i cant tell anymore

Saturday; woke up at Brettlyns, went for breakfast, picked up Michael, back to Brettlyns to chill with Mike Pryce Levi Nick and Becca, home for a bit, chilled with Jonny and Mike, went to Clarkes for a bit............, saw Wyatt. hmmmmm. got a great txt from Juliana;

blaze sesh. my house. 11pm. dont bring anyone. Saw amazing people at ghoulies, slept at my house with Brettlyn.

1. are you somebody thats fading into my life for good? or for now?

2. how much weed have we smoked in the past 24 hours?

3. how much food have we eaten in the past 24 hours?

4. you dont mind a challenge, but what about consistency? responsibility?

5. im getting what i need, but from the right people? no.

6. do you hate me? i cant tell.

7. oooh my god new bong? whats its name??

8. how do i make you happy? do you know how to be?

9. are we seeing fantastic mr. fox tomorrow? good :)

10. how have i lost 7 pounds?

you're on my mind the most, whether i like it or not. i will always care, whether i like it or not. and i will never know you, it seems, or make you happy, whether i like it or not.

Dont Let the Sun Go Down on Your Grievance

Yesterday, I learned that my 6th grade music teacher died from the breast cancer that plagued her for years. It was strange, depressing news that grabbed me by the shoulders and shook. Everybody leaves. Later, my physics teacher would bring up the fact that we will all be putting our parents into old-age homes some day. That was some nauseating deja vu. I do not want to see my parents get old. I do not want to watch them struggle. I do not want to watch them die. I do not want I do not want.

But, today, I gave Jane a CD. I don't ever call my spanish teacher 'Jane' to her face. But that's her name so that's what I called her playlist. She smiled. I love all our talks at the end of class / during some free time. She respects me, and is most definitely my favorite teacher. She has a labrador named Rider who is extremely well trained. When he gets lonely, he takes clothes out of her closet and lies on her bed with them all around him. I always come see her in the morning and we change her calendar to the new shoe of the day, and rate it. She and I get along because I am an older soul than the kids in my grade (minus a few) and she will always be a teenager underneath.

If anyone has the time/patience to teach me all the wonders of Photoshop, I would love to learn. I want to one day know everything about photography. I really think I could do that for a living and love it. I also really think I could be good at it. I am also very scared that I wont make the cut, but that feeling hasnt left me since grade 9. Thats just what my school did to me. But things at school are better now. Carter and Lauren are still the same, and will always be that way, but I love them.

I have not blogged in what feels like weeks, and for this I am sorry (that is if you like my blogs).

I cannot wait for this weekend. A roadtrip to Edmonton with the best people in the world is exactly what I need. We'll just drive, blaze, drive, blaze, shop, find a motel, get wasted, blaze, talk all night, blaze, sleep eventually, drive back.

Watched 'The Devil and Daniel Johnston' the other day, i am a very lucky girl to have experienced that. Thank you Emmy Lou for showing me, it's really amazing. P.S. I love you. You seem very happy lately which makes me happy.

My weekend was....fuzzy.

but not because of all the weed. a lot of things seem to be going wrong, and i just want to escape from everything for a bit. thus, my memories of the past few days are blurry. i was so distracted all weekend thinking about what i did wrong, how to make it right, why it mattered, i couldnt focus on the present. i lost my art book. this is not only bad because its an outlet for me, but also because my teacher marks measures analyzes it. i now have to start from scratch in a new book, i have until thursday to do 2 months worth of research. i'm worried that in trying to be honest, i pushed you away. know that i only want what's best for you, whether its me or not. also i'm sorry you had to find out about that, i had no idea the effect it would have. on saturday i found myself in stefs car with juliana justine and bea, watching as they bought the pills they planned to do that night. i still don't really know how i felt about it. im thankful i passed out before i watched the pills take hold of my friends, thankful i didnt do them. not because i worry for addiction or bodily harm, but because i made a promise to myself to stick with the more natural things like weed mushrooms salvia. chemicals are just not something on my list of things to do, its as simple as that. which is why i dont preach to anyone about how bad pills are. the next day was also strange. made another english movie with carter, saw emerencz after that. her dog is massive, but age brought her some maturity i can tell. watching someone or somthing grow up is always special. from there i met brettlyn levi braeline and later colby. weed really does bring the strangest groups together. it makes a potentially awkward situation quite pleasant, because of how simple it is. "we just hung out. blazed." no one questions it. hung out with michael last night and watched 'thank you for smoking.' it's amazing i'm so glad we saw it. if you haven't, i highly recommend it. i really hope i get hired at co op as a cashier, i would love my work purely because michael and ben work there. reece and pryce are pretty dope too, but from the looks of things their positions at co op are less..permanent.

what was the shittiest thing that happened this weekend?

seeing my younger sister's anguish about her weight. i was so sad to hear her ask my mom for measures against it. it broke my heart. i wish i could give mila an inside look at the way i see her. i have always admired and loved her for everything. i love seeing parts of me in her, only the good parts. i hope when she grows up she can be comfortable with herself. i really really hope.

Via a Diablo

what i'm loving right now:

1/ My grade 12 year. I am actually working my ass off in school, but its paying off quite nicely. I have the best of both worlds (the people at my school, the people at h.t.a). Things are easier at home, i'm growing i tell ya.

2/My art project. It's called the Anti-Boredom Campaign.

3/My book. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas was something i used to know as a classic movie. It's now in my top 10 books.

4/Michael Benham. I'm glad he moved back. No one really knows what kind of relationship we have and I am lucky to know him.

Aches and Pains

when you love someone, you dont treat them this way. perhaps our ideas of love are too different.