Veo la tiempo

Today the weather matched my mood.

12.54pm I get out of bed after laying there awake for an hour. this was a depressing start if you ask me. I made my way to the kitchen and made coffee, drank it in the sunroom while i had a smoke. i thought about how everyone i know right now is looking for something, just like me. we are all at a point where we are searching for different things, all resembling a fresh start at something. i hope we all find it. talked on the phone for a while, a conversation i was anxious about that ended better than i thought. the sky was completely grey, dark clouds sitting on rooftops. the wind shook my little sun-room-haven and howled through the windows. i put on socks, black pants, white hoodie with my grey sweatshirt over top and read some more of Breakfast of Champions.

4.07 Bea comes home. we have a smoke and talk about our days. i realized this is how my mom must feel when the kids get home from school. i wanted company and was excited when bea's car pulled up. my dad tells me he likes my new hair, and i know he meant it cause my mom hadnt had the chance to tell him to yet. this is when the wind gets quieter, the clouds melt into the sky and the sun lightens up everything. i put on some Florence and the Machine and smoke some weed.

lets see how the weather holds up.

eating cookies & watching movies

Guess which one is YOU.

Dear Stranger;

good thing i havent talked to you in months, and then you whisper something like THAT in my ear? you are so weird. and anyways i know how hot i am thank you very much.

Dear Stranger;

thank you for being what i needed, and thank you for not needing anything more than my company,..it helps more than anything right now.

Dear Stranger;

i miss you sometimes, you beautiful girl. i just dont want you to leave without knowing how much you make a difference in my world.

Dear JORDAN FERRIER;

why do you always seem to fuck everything up? i honestly wish you would go into a coma or something for like 10 years and wake up with nothing. you are an insecure obnoxious dick hole and i hate you.

the end

don't you love feeling deserted and unworthy?

yeah, me neither.

Brighter than sunshine

I never understood before

I never knew what love was for

My heart was broke, my head was sore

What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history

I didnt believe in destiny

I look up you're standing next to me

What a feeling

~*~dykes@tim.hortons.drive.thru~*~

Me: also who was that dyke you were starin at today?

Ghoul: hahahhhahhaaahahahahha genvieve. you think she's cute ;)

Me: oooh fuck no i just want to know her name so i can avoid her like the plague

bahahaaahaha

lost a lot more than an hour yesterday.

Such a Lonely Day, and its Mine.

imagine sick aching butterflies... nothing comes correctly out of my mouth... no amount of weed or cigarettes has numbed the anxiety i feel lately. every reason i try to find for it doesn't match up. its just a feeling but its all i can feel and i only hope it goes away

We Wont Need Legs to Stand

I awoke at 3;49 this morning, wondering what happened during my little sleep. I crept downstairs to find the remains of my ping pong table strewn across the garage floor, garbage and beer and cigarette butts decorating the mess. Stef and Justine were snoring in Bea's bed, my mom was still waiting up for her. The right side of my head was aching, and giving me flashes of the party in random order. Hailee Brunette's hollering, sitting in Emerenczs car with my head in Michaels lap, bumming smokes from Kim, Levi Gilmers hands around my waist and the tight confusion in my stomach. I drank two big glasses of cold water, brushed my teeth and slumped back into my bed. Later today (noon) we hosed down the garage and cleaned it all out, I was so glad we kept the party in there and didnt let it trickle into the basement. Of the 50+ kids that showed up, thankfully only two of them puked on the lawn. I was glad for who was there, and who wasnt there. I was also happy to get an indigo gift card from Kimberly, she alone brought us gifts. The money Sonia gave me was not enough to excuse her bitchiness all night. I hate that woman. Today, all I want to do is shower, put on clean clothes, fill my empty belly with good food and water, and watch the oscars / eat popcorn with Levi. Thank you everyone who hugged and laughed with me last night, it was everything I hoped for. I love the people in my close circle, you keep me floating above everything wrong in my life.

All the feelings of doubt and insecurity I have been hiding deep in the folds of my brain are slowly sinking, dissolving, I feel safety and home with you.

hey adulthood whats up

lets summarize the last 17 years 365 days and 12 hours real quick.

first memory;

oldest one i have is of my younger sister mila being born. i was bored riding squished in shotgun with bea, my mom needed the back seat to lay down. we went to my grandmas house after, i pretended to use a fridge magnet as a cell phone and talked to people all day.

first school;

i have attended seven schools in my life. the first was called Liberty Christian College. i wore a uniform. in the first grade my friends and i hung out with 3 girls in the fourth grade who pretended to be our moms. cool.

first injury;

i was running around the house wearing my mom's apron. needless to say i ended up on the floor. i had split my lip and had an inch long slice on my chin. dad gave me stitches on the bathroom counter. i felt like i was at a hospital because we never said a word.

first friend;

my first best friend's name was Rochelle Ras. i met her when i was 2. she was good at everything. sports, instruments, school, art. we would give each other half of our sandwiches everyday at lunch.

first kiss;

his name was Dreyer. he lived down the street from us. i met him by walking past his house and having his dog attack me. he gave me a chocolate bar to say sorry. we used to keep silk worms in his back yard, and we had to sneak around my neighbors yard to get the mulberry leaves to feed them. we'd come home with our feet stained purple and handfulls of leaves for our pets. bea dared him to kiss me after my 8th birthday. i closed my eyes.

first boyfriend;
in grade 2 i had two boys fighting over me. no big deal or anything. they both wrote me long love letters asking me to sit on the bus with them on the upcoming field trip. i cant remember who i dated first lol.

first heartache;

in the middle of grade 5 my mom sisters and i said goodbye to everyone we knew and joined my dad in canada. bea and i each had a million long tiny braids in our hair and everybody thought we were strange africans.

first coldplay song;

sadly i was watching american idol when one of the gay ones sang clocks. what a strange way to stumble upon something so constant in my life.

first drink;

ffwd to when i was 13, riding shotgun with cynthia sutter. she was 15 and my idol at the time. her and her exchange student annika shared their malibu and coke with me until we were all sick. we all lay in her bed afterward and cried that annika was going back to germany. i hoped we would always be friends.

first real cry;

for three or four days after a party i went to in nanton with cynthia and marlee, i cried myself to sleep.

first drug;

grade nine. new school. me, vik, danielle, and cynthia walked to danielles house from john's "tight and bright" party. we jammed a nug into the top of an apple and passed it around too many times. we walked to mr. sub and ate it in danielles bed. vik thought she was dying, we laughed at her.

first full cigarette;

bea came home from working at subway one night, and let me in on her new hobby. we stood on my driveway and talked and smoked.

first sight;

you picked me up outside my house, i didnt know you but i knew who you were with. we were both wearing plaid and you were rude to me all night lol.

first messy breakup;

i think we all know the jordan ferrier story.

first sneak out;

i used to slip out of my house a few times a week to take walks with michael and smoke weed. i miss it.

first pack;

sawyer mcclinton bought me my first two packs of blue canadian classics lol.

first illegal party;

parents were away, i was dating jordan, lots of people showed up and my mom knew the next day because we left the windows in the sunroom open. stuupid.

first legal party;

its this saturday at my house, i want all the people i hung out with this year to come. minus kids from my school. ew.

18 years later i'd say i've learned a few things. i hope im always learning, and never, ever thinking i know everything.